Relief, Guilt, and Shame
After my daughter died, I felt relieved. After more than three years of fighting her cancer, I was tired and emotionally spent. Yet, at the same time, I hated myself for that feeling.
I was relieved that she was no longer in pain and that I did not have to take her to the hospital week after week or hold her and comfort her as she underwent procedure after procedure. Finally, fearing that she would die when I would not be there. Beyond the relief was guilt, guilt that I felt relief, which led to shame…
The Numbness
Then the numbness set in and would last for a while. I welcomed the numbness; the numbness was good, and I felt nothing. Sometimes, I wish the numbness could have remained with me forever. Whenever the numbness faded, the harsh reality of my baby girl’s absence crept in, reminding me that nothing I did could ever bring her back.
The Pain
During the first year or two after her death, I would dream of my baby dying over and over again, often in my arms, leaving me with a feeling of helplessness. With each dream, the reality of her torn from my existence renewed daily. The mortal wound would re-open again and again. I also kept my pain private, often buried deep inside so I could function. I had to continue working and supporting my family; however, the emptiness took over more and more of my daily life.
My heart hurt beyond any ability to express in words. Sometimes, I became physically sick, and sometimes, it felt as if my heart would stop. Panic, anxiety, and unbearable pain permeated my being. My body re-experienced the trauma of slowly losing her over three years and at the moment she died.
The Darkness
Within the darkness emerges an oppressive monster that wields a flaming blade that cuts deep into every corner of your soul, burning, tearing, leaving nothing but lifelessness. The darkness is unyielding, invading every facet of life, slowly extracting every ounce of life from me.
There were times I had to get away to be alone and would find myself driving for hours, often not knowing how I got to the place I was at. Frequently cried until there were no more tears.
I would scream at the reality that she was not here anymore; how unfair it all was. And then the numbness would set in, and for a time, I could go on.
Back and forth this went, my body reacting to my internal struggle of unimaginable pain.
The darkness consumed me. My thoughts were continual reminders of failure, the inability to protect my baby girl from how unfair this life is. I was merely existing, if you could call the pain, anguish, and darkness existing.
Having faith did not make this easier. If anything, for me, it is more problematic because I also felt let down by my God, whom I also trusted.
Often, the pain was more unbearable than I thought I could handle. I stopped living, stopped feeling, even though I was alive.
Echos of Darkness – A Purpose Beyond
Today, I am on a new journey. I am back to school, focused on understanding the human condition. My undergraduate degree is in Molecular, Cellular, and Developmental Biology (MCDB). I also focused my studies on cancer biology, immunology, anatomy, and physiology. Pre-pandemic, I was on a tract for my MD, wanting to focus on childhood cancer research. However, that has shifted from understanding what took my Jenna’s life to how I can help others.
I am now a counseling intern, finishing my training as a mental health professional. My focus is on working with others who are experiencing profound trauma, grief, and loss. I am reminded of the conflict I felt so profoundly every day. Additionally, each day, I choose to live in a way that honors my precious daughter, Jenna.
Healing Through Purpose
I write these words not to focus on the darkness but on life after the darkness. Spending too many years of my life barely existing, without much direction or purpose. I needed someone outside of my situation to come alongside me and walk me through the darkness.
Years later, I recognized I suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Prolonged Grief Disorder, and Persistent Depressive Disorder. It took years, to help me see how precious and hopeful life can be. Because of my experience, I can see life through the existence of both harshness and darkness alongside beauty and purpose. Deciding to live each day as fully as possible.
If any part of this story resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone in your journey. Although each of us experiences grief and loss differently, some of us who have experienced and overcome the darkness are waiting and willing to walk alongside others in their grief. I encourage anyone who feels lost and alone in their grief to seek help.
I want to leave you with a thought: there are no words, no quick fix, yet there are those who will sit, listen, and walk alongside you through your darkness.
Resources to Help Your Journey
If you or someone you know is suffering from grief and loss, Check out our free grief group in Arvada, CO., or find a group near you at GriefShare.org.
Books
Finding Meaning by David Kessler
The Grieving Brain The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Francis O’Connor
Videos
Originally published October 7, 2020, revised February 2, 2025
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